Now, i just can’t seem to stop. Ever since school started I’ve been so got damn stressed. My trich is getting out of hand… it’s getting the best of me…
I was thinking about when EXACTLY did my trich start. I thought it started in 5th grade after my grandmother passed. I thought my grandmothers passing was what triggered it… But now that I think about it, it started in 4th grade. I have this perfect memory of me sitting in my 4th grade class, we were in groups of 4. We were about to take a Benchmark test.. During the test i started picking at my arm hair. I always try and distract myself when I don’t want to do something :P for some reason picking my arm hair kept me satisfied. I noticed when i picked it, there was this little white thing at the end. It intrigued me. But after that day, I only did it rarely.. it wasn’t a problem… Until now :/
Cut down my long nails . Makes it harder to pull the hair… at least for me
I’m not new to tumblr, but i made a different blog just for this . I recently discovered maybe a few months ago what trichotillomania is. I’ve had it for 6 years and never knew what it was. I just thought i was crazy. But then i googled it and saw i wasn’t alone. Then the other day i looked to see if anyone on tumblr has it and they do… So i thought… wouldn’t it be great to talk to people who actually know how it feels?
It all started in 5th grade. I would look in the mirror to see if i had random eyebrow hairs sticking out.. and i would pluck them (maybe one or two a month.. not bad). Then i did the same to my eyelashes . Over the summer one day, while watching TV i found my self picking at my eyelashes for no reason. I had a gap but it wasn’t noticeable. I just ignored the fact that i did it. The summer went by and I was fine. Then middle school started. I was nervous. Around a lot of new people and i was in a class with none of my elementary school friends. Some how plucking my brows calmed my nerves. I bet i looked crazy. I never did pluck them all out, and I still do not. I just pluck in the middle. By the middle of the first semester, both my eyebrows had gaps. So i started on my eyelashes…. I never did, and still don’t, pick the bottom ones… just the top. So by the end of December i had no eyelashes except in the corner.
I told my mom, I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I thought i was just doing something that was slightly weird but not a big deal… They’ll grow back right? Cause I’ll stop….right?…. Wrong. So i told my mom what I did. So she decided to take me to therapy. Back then, i didn’t think it was bad… looking on it now.. i feel absolutely crazy. Like I’m a freak.. i needed therapy because im plucking hairs off of me. Therapy didn’t last long at all though, it did not help.
I realized that when i pick my hairs… I’ll rub them on my lips.. I don’t know why.. but it calms me. After that I’ll look at the ends. Sometimes it’ll be white, sometimes it’ll be black and bulgy. I would pull that end part between my fingernails. I know it’s weird but it makes me feel…… good.
I would always tell myself.. “One more, and I’ll stop.” I have been telling myself that since i started. Telling myself that I’m gonna stop, it never happened. In 8th grade i started pulling on the hairs of my head.. But these weren’t so just because i was scared of getting a bald spot.. so i moved on to my arms.Which eventually i just shaved.
In 9th grade i finally calmed down a little… I got my eyebrows arched and filled in the gap.. they didn’t grow much though. My eyelashes grew a little though. It was my freshman year and i had fun, i kept busy. Always doing things in the band. Then It started back… My esteem shot down when my bestfriend got a boyfriend and i felt ugly. So i started back picking… but now i just filled in my eyebrow gaps with makeup while my eyes still looked bare.
This went on until now. I remember back in May my brows had fully grown out, all arched and pretty. i was so super happy. Then one day i just started pulling… and pulling…. and pulling. Then those pretty eyebrows had those big gaps back in them again. I was angry.. disappointed… and i felt like there was no hope.. i still think there is no hope.
This year (my junior year) so far is the worst ever. My self esteem is low as hell, I’m stressed, and overall I’m just not happy. I’m fed up with myself. I feel like there is no hope. I just need people that understand what I’m going through to talk to…..